False Security

What I find interesting is over a year ago I was fooled. I was living beneath what I knew was right. I knew I was saved as a child, but I was living like I was totally lost, which I can see I was totally fooled. It is not attractive to go into my ways at that time. I will not bring glory to the enemy. I was just self centered and living for my own desires, yet I was always mindful of my children and family.

The amazing thing is, everything went smooth. Most drama was short lived. Things always turned out for us. I did know how to pray, and I did even though I knew I was not were I should be. I just fooled myself into believing that I by nature was born a sinner so therefore I was expected to sin. I had convinced myself that it was okay because it was the flesh not my true self and I was covered by the blood of Jesus.

We do have an advocate with the Father if we sin. We can ask for forgiveness, but we can overcome and live victorious and be free from bondage. Oh how the enemy can convince Christians to fall backwards instead of being conquerors in Christ.

Even Christians in churches today can be fooled. Some become comfortable in their places in the church. They have many friends and are praised for their works, yet may not have really examined themselves. Things must be alright, because I get praise for how I am doing. I don't know about you, but I find it frightening to be too comfortable. I have been too comfortable and also to the other extreme of feeling really insecure of my intents and is my heart really right. I hope to find a happy medium between the two, but I would think I am better off with the latter.

Since I have rededicated my life to Jesus, so much has happened. I am full of his peace and joy. Joy not meaning dancing throughout the day, although I have also done that. Tonight I read the Book of Job. It is a little hard to understand. I did get that Job was righteous and having bad things happen to you does not mean you have sinned, but I do believe sometimes that may be the case accept Job was righteous and God was proud of him. God let the enemy come against Job and God knew Job would in the end still love him and want to please him.

I am now going through the fire. My faith is being tested. It sometimes feel that everything is falling down around me, yet I still pray and talk to my Lord. I still feel close to him and know I can trust him no matter what. I have not been tested to even 1% of what Job has been tested and I have concerns of holding on and pleasing God. I am also praying to not be tested any more than he see's fit. I really want the happy go lucky days back. When one is foolish and blind they do not see the destruction ahead, so all is well one says in his heart. "That was me." Maybe the happy go lucky days are not what I need.

I do believe the mountain tops will come again in my Christian walk. They came on fast and left a little too soon. Then came the hard trials. It would be wrong to expect just the best all the time. God is Good and a Loving God. He is my Father and he is taking care of my family and me. I know his grace is sufficient and I will come out of the fire smelling like a rose and my family will  shine with the love of God.

Job had to contend with those who claimed he must have sinned because of his sorrows. I know sometimes we cause our own problems by not obeying God or purposely doing evil, but Job had not sinned.

As I read Job I thought I am closer to God than I ever remember being. I feel I know him better than I have ever known him, yet I do realize he is so great I can not comprehend all of him. I have examined my heart and feel like he is pleased with me, but I can not make all my trials go away.  I just hope to be one of integrity through them as Job was.

Emperor

We hear and read the Word and we retain knowledge of it. It is alive, yet we sometimes can't really see a full scope of the reality of a walking and living Jesus.

I am not well traveled. The farthest away from home was Vegas a few years ago and I have no desire to return. Some have been to the Holy Land and have seen actual physical material things made or built during the time Jesus walked on earth. Those who have, have told of the reality of Jesus as being overwhelming.

Tonight I watched a documentary called "China's Terracotta Warriors". Recently I posted of some leader or dignitary in China once saying we Americans all wanted to feel special. I then went on to say how they all seemed alike. This documentary has changed that thought, because of the view 2000 years ago.

In 1974 it was discovered a huge tomb of over 7000 terracotta life size figures. In 230 b.c. the first Emperor of China, Qin Shihuangdi ordered this extraordinary task of these figures to be buried with him in his tomb when he died. It took about 11 years for the completion of this task. He ordered statues of warriors, servants, musicians, acrobats and animals.

The most amazing thing was that there were no two warriors that looked alike. This Emperor ordered each one to be unique. He wanted each to be an individual hand made figure. This is so parallel to God who created all men, even this earthly Emperor wanted his companions to be individuals. Each one of us is different and God knows us all and ordered us into existence. 

What is so real is these terracotta characters are on earth today! They have been taken from the tomb and reserved. In 2009 there was an exhibition of them. To me just seeing this documentary on TV just took me back to about 2000 years ago when Jesus walked on earth and it became real. This Emperor wanted to be in eternity with his creation of warriors. These were his for no man to look upon. They were for his pleasure. They were to go into eternity with him. 

Sunday our Pastor Anderson spoke of God's love towards us and wanted us to really get it. He wanted us to really understand it. He spoke of our great knowledge of the Word, yet do we really understand his love for us. I realized later Sunday night that I needed to understand this love or at least know it to a greater extent than I had. When we really get it, everything changes. Our way of seeing how he see's us changes.

The Lord touched me through this documentary. I can see how unimportant, uneventful, and no grandiose about me. I surely am no queen or great leader. I am just a wife, mother and grandmother. No special career or education. Just simple and so happy to have a loving family, home and my needs met, yet God is mindful of me. This Emperor was an earthly and worldly man, yet he loved his individual figures. Some were actually fat, some short, tall and small. No face looked alike.

If this earthly man could be so Grand, have his creations and his power to get this done, then think of the One Who Created the Emperor, the one who created us all different and wants to be with us through eternity. He loves us so much. I have just wept after seeing this documentary. I want to be with my maker, my King. I ache to be with him. I see and feel his love for me. This is the most beautiful feeling ever. He does let us feel at times even though we are to live by faith. I see the parallel with this Emperor and this was real and it really happened over 2000 years ago, before Jesus was born and I can actually see the objects this person created for himself and can see how God loves us and created us for himself!

If you have Netflix I encourage you to watch this documentary.
"China's Terracotta Warriors"  More details at www.terracottawarriorexhibit.com

SPECIAL

I believe it was China that made a statement that all Americans wanted to be special.  I thought that was a strange statement when I heard it, I assumed that was human nature. I remember thinking this country was crowded and most the people looked alike and no one stood out.

They were caught in the masses. You could not tell them apart. Their attire was the same, their hair looked the same. I assumed their lives were pretty much the same.

I think the word special has become ordinary here in America and we all want to be special or at least feel special. Maybe the words should be Different or Peculiar.  In 1 Peter 2:9-10 it reads, "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light. Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy."

It sounds to me that God expects us to be special/peculiar. It seems he put the desire in us or should I say, the desire we Americans/ Christians feel to be special is a seed God planted in us. We came by it honestly. It came from our Father. It is written in the Word! Yet we Americans look for "special" in the wrong places or things. The desire is natural, where we want to obtain it is sometimes worldly.

Yes, that country is right, Americans/Christians have a need to be a Special/ Peculiar people. Now we know where to find it, in our God, through Jesus Christ. It pleases him to give us our special gifts and personalities. Some of us bless people by lifting and cheering them up. Some of us are more serious and some have a calming effect on others. There is no one just like you. Finally DNA proves that.

I am sure King David felt special, but why?  He sought God. God and David had a relationship! Each of us can have a personal relationship with the Lord, that no one else can intrude on. It is just You and Him. Now that is Special. May God Bless America and bring us back to our love for him. Amen. 

Don't Touch The Glory

"This took place during David Wilkerson's funeral."

A few times my heart has actually leaped because , The Word of God is Sharper than a two edged sword. Hebrew 4:12. When Gary Wilkerson told of a saying his dad used, "Don't Touch The Glory" my heart bear witness with this new knowledge. I had no real understanding of what he was saying, because to me touching the Glory was touching the garment of Jesus. Yet, my heart actually leaped within me because of a truth being spoken.

Oh, how I leaned forward in hopes he would explain what it meant. I remember being in the balcony and thinking Lord what is this. Gary begin to explain the nature and the discipline of his dad, how his dad was not comfortable with a fuss being made over him. He wanted all eyes on Jesus. He wanted no glory for what was to be God's Glory.

People, this was seeing everything in a different light. My heart did leap when I first heard his words, not knowing the meaning of them. Why, there was truth in them. This was a revelation to me. God was showing me this truth and it caught my heart and attention. This changed everything for me.

I had always felt I needed to push myself out there concerning the things of God, to the point of going too fast and taking things into my own hands. In my mind, if I was really pleasing God he would give me a pat on the back for all to see. I had felt if I was really doing the right things for God that I would feel or receive some kind of appreciation or praise. Don't get me wrong, I too am uncomfortable with public praise, yet I wanted God to give me validation and recognition in some tangible and earthly way.

These beautiful words that came from Gary Wilkerson's mouth were Truth. This Truth caused my heart to leap. It took the pressure off me to expect or get carried away looking for validation. Stay still and listen to the Lord, keep it personal with him, please him not man. Don't call attention to self. Don't touch the Glory, it is sacred. It belongs to him.

Intimate Relationship

Would you think one needs to be taught to pray? I prayed as a child and when I was a teenager. God answered those prayers and some seemed like a miracle to me. I knew Jesus heard me and showed his love to me, but not until my 20's did I really learn how to actually worship and taught how to pray when not in a desperate state or need.

That's when I first went to church, what I call my earlier days. It was then that I learned it was a relationship with Jesus. A relationship is personal and intimate. It is sharing, trusting and having no secrets. In a personal intimate relationship you know each other. There is nothing about you that Jesus doesn't already know. You can't shock him with your honesty. What ever your struggling with he knows and is ready to set you free.

How do you talk or share your thoughts or feelings with your love, your spouse? That is an intimate relationship. We can't really keep it fresh or intimate unless we take the time alone with our love. Jesus so desires for us to share our thoughts and feelings with him. He knows about them anyway. He wants intimacy with you. He loves you.

Have you felt a tugging at your heart to be alone with him? Once recently the Lord woke me in the night and I felt a need to pray and just talk to him, to tell him I love him. I wanted to stay in my comfortable bed and pray there, knowing I would probably fall asleep praying and worshiping him. There are many ways to pray, lying down, standing, bowing your head or on your knees.

The Lord tugged at my heart to lie on the floor face down and earnestly seek him. This was not new to me, we women back in those days had all night prayer meetings. We stayed awake praying and praising God in many ways. I was taught by example in my early days. I really wanted to stay in bed and pray, which I have many times. This time I knew I was to get out of bed and obey knowing it would be a beautiful experience with the Lord and it was.

He showed me why I was to make an effort getting out of bed. I would know there was a defiant acknowledged prayer, relationship, intimate time spent with him. The time and prayer where marked in my memory because of the effort to make a special place and time for him. When my prayer was answered there was no doubt God heard me and answered that particular request. I was expecting an answer.

He wants to be your love. He desires time spent with you.

EL CHICO'S

This Post is my therapy today..

When my parents were still married I remember being 5 years old and dinning at El Chico's in Longview Texas. Just a faint memory. Later after my parents divorced at age eight my grandparents moved in to help take care of us kids. We had our dad, but mother was gone.

At age 9 we moved to Whitehouse Texas and it was so different for me. I had loved Longview. I had attended Spring Hill School. I left a lot of memories behind. 

By the time I married at 18 we lived in Tyler Texas. After my very humble wedding of family only, my dad took my husband and I to El Chico's for an early dinner. There we had a wonderful visit with him, he just wanted to talk to his daughter and wish me a happy life with my new husband. El Chico's has been a family affair since I was 5.  At 18 El Chico's was on Beckham.

After  I had my three children we took them to the Beckham location. I remember I had always requested that they bring my children's drinks after their meals were brought. In those days you did not get free refills. 

Later in the 80's El Chico had moved to the Tyler Mall. I remember eating there many times. They did not stay there very long before they moved to their latest location on the Loop. 

At this latest location on the Loop we as a family have eaten there at least once a month. My grandchildren loved eating there too. My daughter and I really enjoyed Thursday nights, "Kids Eat for 99 Cents". 

I am having a sad day because El Chico's is now closing down. I will miss making memories there. I started eating there at age 5 and my grandchildren grew up eating there. My eldest grandson is 15 and my youngest is not yet 2. They all grew up eating there. 

This may seem trivial, but can you imagine the memories I have at that one Restaurant?  So many wonderful memories. This Blog has been good for me today. It is my therapy and it cost me nothing. Thank You for listening.

Finding Solitude

Once I did a google search for nun like places for non Catholics. I sometimes feel I just want to run from everything, relationships, intimacy and other worldly conflicts of life. I wonder, am I doing enough, have I offended anyone and I even get sick of self. Do you ever get sick of self. I think I am getting an understanding of what that is. We have a need to fellowship with Jesus.

I have an imaginary place I love to go. It is a convent like the catholic nuns go to. It is solemn, and surrounded by a large brick and cement wall. There, I am protected from the world. I choose to not see a tv or listen to a radio. I only have the bible to read and a place to pray. My room is dusk and of no personality. I feel so safe here. I can avoid life in this real world. I choose to wear a dark robe and cover my head in humility. I am alone with the Lord. There is no distraction. I can not shine or accidently touch the Glory (exalt myself). Here I am safe. No me getting in the way. I can't see me anymore. How refreshing, no wondering if I am to showy or flashy or me anything. This place is so peaceful and no chance of me messing up, yet I am not a prisoner here. I can freely come in and go out.

I can freely go out. I can leave the convent and face the world again if I choose. I never did find a place like this on line for non Catholics. There were only workshops and places of study for Christian women. I wanted to go and be left alone by the world, by all people. I wanted solitude with the Lord. I was so disappointed no place existed for me like this.

Yes it does. It is a closet or a room alone with the Lord. It is time spent with him in prayer. If I make the time it is just like going to my imaginary place. I get rid of self, my number one problem. I get free from all distractions and I let go of all worries about relationships and all conflicts. This came to me this morning. I can go in and go out and find pasture. Go in with the Lord and go out and face the World and be protected by the Shepard. John 10:9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

Thank you Lord.

BIG BAPTIST CHURCH

When my children were teenagers and the house was loud and a little crazy, I would sneak off to a Big Baptist Church which had a small chapel inside the game room area. At that time I was not attending a church, but I still needed to pray and seek God. Over the years I had made my way to that little chapel, quite and still inside that Big Baptist Church. I was and am still of Pentecostal belief. I found peace in that quite place and a few times would see someone else there praying.

Many years later after all my children left home I went there to pray again in private and peace. It was no longer there. They had removed the Chapel. It was just a small room about 8' by 10' and was built and furnished like a real little church, inside this Huge Church. Someone felt it was no longer needed. Oh, how they were mistaken. It only took up a small space in that church. If only they had known how important it was for me and others to go and pray, maybe they would have left it there. I was not in a church at that time but this Baptist Chapel was my refuge.

My private place now is my secret closet.

Deborah Kersh